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26 February 2007 @ 01:13 am
2 months gone  
At the turn of midnight it became January 26th. That makes it 2 months without my Moon.

For over 13 years, i always knew and always said it, that when time would come for me to lose her i would die too. If not physicaly, then no doubt emotionaly. And altough i had been in an emotional numbness for years, she always kept me going. But the day she left me, i left with her. The inner most of me.

It has been terribly hard to carry on without her. Either she is missing when i need to let out my heart and soul to her - she was always the one living being i could trust undobtably to keep and carry me. OR she is not there waiting for me when i get in bed, after jumping high to get to her spot before me and then promptly curl up in my arm so we could sleep hand in hand. She is just not there. And nor am I.

We have since lost the last of the sirian hamsters we had. We got a new cat right after she was gone (he needed saving, and so did we), but still... she's not here. I still light at least 2 candles a day by her picture. There have been numerous tributes from strangers, that did help soothe me a little, but no... she's not here. It will never be the same. I carry on in some sort of auto-pilot, believing it's her carrying me, still, from somewhere.

The pain grows, rather than leaving. For 2 months i have been trying to gather up courage to read and post on the 2 pet-grieving communities i joined with this new LJ ID. I havent had the courage yet. But today I must. I wanted to write something meaningful, but have the feeling I am failing at that, almost as much as I failed at saving her, and ended up having to ok the shots that took her away from me. No, that was far worse. The worst thing i ever had to do.
Senseless as this may seem... I just want to pay tribute to my Moon, 2 months gone. I miss her so much it hurts and makes it very hard to breathe and carry on with dry eyes.

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k241/etur/November%202006/330-Moon.jpg

(x-posted on my journal, pet_loss and rainbow_bridge1)
 
 
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shark_girl: bebe and xandahshark_girl on February 26th, 2007 04:26 am (UTC)
All I can say, is that I know how you feel. I really do *hugs*
Rick Day: spankersrick_day on February 26th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
it is hard for words to console someone when they have experienced such a great loss. I will tell you what helped me.

When my Missie passed over 15 months ago, for three days all I could do was cry and 2nd guess my decision to send her over. At my wits end, I literally put myself into a dreamy state, or 'trance' and sought the soul of the love within me.

A vision of Missy appeared, and seemed to communicate. She 'said' she was fine, and was no longer in pain. She was worried about my pain. She said "Remember, no more tears for Missy!" and it repeated 3-4 times before I faded back to reality.

I never shed a tear over her loss again. Sad? Hell yes. Hurts to see photos? Nah.

I'd speculate Moon would not be happy to see you in this state. Seek the love of the Moon within, and begin the process of healing, acceptance, and moving on.

"If you can't be with the one you love....."
Blue_Eye: spencerblue_eye on February 26th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry.

Having lost my Spencer (pictured in icon) when he was 19, I can understand. He was my best friend, and I miss him terribly.

*hugs*